Thursday, February 13, 2014
This was going to be a post titled "Things I'm Currently In Love With" but it gave way to an emotion that I'm having a harder time with as of now.
Fear > Love
Because I'm loving the sea, and the blue summer skies, and my new Zenit camera, and all the great books I'm reading.
But I'm afraid that the weather is determined to make my seas and skies grey, and that all of the pictures in my new/old Zenit camera will turn out too white, and that I'll never write a book as great as the ones I'm reading.
I'm afraid of all this, and of more.
I'm afraid of death. Not of death for me, but of death for my loved ones, and how painful it can be for them and for those who love them in turn. I don't want anybody to suffer. I want everybody to smile.
I'm afraid of the death of blogging. It's imminent. It's been imminent ever since I started my first blog back in 2008. It's just the platform that I've always loved the most, so it's hard for me to say the hardest two words. Ka boom. Grande finale. Good bye.
I'm afraid of my lack of talent. This is my last year in High School, and I need to choose. I'm smart enough to choose the safe path -medicine- and yet I wonder how happy I would be with it. Would I be happy at all? Does it matter whether I would be happy or not, if I can be saving people's lives?
Ka boom. Grande finale. Good bye.
The end is near for this blog, and I need to start thinking of what on Earth I'll do now. Tumblr? Twitter? Maybe I could keep this old guy up for the sake of my own fun? But is it any fun anymore, with the pressure of I'm never doing things well enough?
I always thought when my favorite bloggers said farewell "do they know how stupid they're being? How great they are, how much we love them? They could just keep at it in a more mellow fashion, and we will keep on loving them still."
It's so easy to think
and so hard to act.
going on 19
and not angsty anymore.